Emotional Intelligence: What Everyone Gets Wrong

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Today at a Glance

• The Truth About EQ (and Why It’s Harder Than You Think)

• Why Emotional Intelligence Feels Easy for Some and Hard for Others

• How to Build Emotional Intelligence (Even When It Doesn’t Come Naturally)

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[5-min read]

The Truth About EQ (and Why It’s Harder Than You Think)

Everyone’s talking about emotional intelligence these days. It’s hailed as the magic ingredient for great leadership, better relationships, and even personal happiness.

But here’s the problem: Most of what people believe about EQ is wrong.

They confuse it for being “nice,” having endless patience, or just empathizing with everyone. But science—and real-world experience—paint a much more nuanced picture.

Let’s dig into what EQ really is, why some people struggle with it, and how understanding it can transform your career and life.

The Big Misconception About Emotional Intelligence

Most people assume EQ is about controlling your emotions so you never let them show. But that’s not it at all.

True EQ isn’t about suppressing emotions. It’s about recognizing and using them as data.

Emotions are your brain’s way of highlighting what matters. They’re not obstacles to overcome. They’re signals to decode.

• Anger? It might signal someone crossed a boundary.

• Anxiety? A sign you’re stepping into something unfamiliar or important.

• Guilt? A clue something you’ve done isn’t aligning with your values or goals.

Suppressing these feelings doesn’t make them go away. It just buries them, where they show up later in passive-aggressive emails or that nagging sense of burnout.

Why Emotional Intelligence Feels Easy for Some and Hard for Others

Ever wonder why some people seem naturally gifted at EQ while others struggle?

The truth lies in a mix of biology, upbringing, and practice.

1. Biology
   Studies show some people are more neurologically wired for empathy. They have a more active insula—a brain region tied to processing emotions. But EQ isn’t just about empathy. It’s also about self-regulation and decision-making—skills anyone can develop.

2. Upbringing
   If you grew up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or avoided, you likely didn’t learn to process them constructively. But it’s never too late to rewire your approach.

3. Practice
   Like a muscle, EQ strengthens with use. The more you intentionally reflect on your emotions and practice navigating others’, the sharper your skills become.

How to Build Emotional Intelligence (Even When It Doesn’t Come Naturally)

If EQ doesn’t feel natural, don’t worry. There are practical ways to build it. And even if you’re an empath (like me), EQ is a skill worth strengthening. Here’s how:

1. The 6-Second Rule

   When you feel a strong emotion—whether frustration or excitement—pause for six seconds before responding. This brief delay allows your brain to process the emotion logically instead of reacting impulsively.

2. Name the Emotion, Don’t Judge It

   Neuroscientists call this affect labeling. When you name an emotion (“I’m feeling overwhelmed”), it reduces its intensity and gives you clarity.

3. Spot Patterns

   Keep a journal of emotional triggers. Over time, you’ll notice recurring themes—certain people, situations, or tasks—that activate strong emotions. Once you know the pattern, you can prepare for it.

4. Ask “What’s Underneath?”

   When you’re feeling upset or someone else is acting out, dig deeper:

   “What’s the underlying fear, need, or value at play here?”

   This question often reveals the real issue, and helps you address it constructively.

Diving Deeper

Ready to improve your emotional intelligence? Here are 4 of my favorite free courses:

• From IBM: People and Soft Skills for Professional and Personal Success

• From Penn: Positive Psychology: Resilience Skills

• From ASU (my alma mater): Empathy for Self and Others

• From Case Western: Inspiring Leadership through Emotional Intelligence

The Takeaway

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about “being nice.” It’s about understanding the data behind emotions—both yours and others’.

You get to choose what that data means and how you respond to it.

Developing your EQ leads to better decisions, stronger connections, and handling life’s challenges with grace.

It’s not easy, but it’s learnable. And the benefits? They ripple through every area of your life.

Here’s to mastering the skill everyone’s talking about—because now you know what they’ve been getting wrong.

Until next week, lead with EQ and curiosity.

Warmly,
Justin

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